Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The reason why I am the way I am
When I was in high school, my older sister used to tell her friends about what I did at night after I thought no one could hear. It was embarrassing. I used to stay up late and make farting noises with my armpit and hand and laugh to myself
I HATE Captain Crunch
I was just watching TV, and these fucking kids really pissed me off. Okay, so these kids were learning how to be a ninja and shit from their sensei, which is pretty damn important. Their parents were probably paying half their paychecks so their kids could learn the art of being a ninja, but what do they do? They whine like little pussies!
Their sensei TOLD THEM that they can’t have a break unless they broke the wooden block in front of them. That’s something any half-wit ninja can do, but what do they do?
WAHHH!! I want my cold cereal NOW even though this training could save my life someday!!
And then who comes to RUIN EVERYTHING?!
What the fuck, Captain Crunch? Can’t you see that these kids’ parents are paying GOOD MONEY for ninja lessons? But what do you do? You just don’t give a shit, do you? DO YOU?! You just decide that $50 an hour to learn how to be a ninja is ‘not a big deal’ and you don’t hesitate to say ‘to hell with that’ and split a $3 bowl of cereal for with these kids instead of them actually getting what they came for. NINJA SKILLZ!!
So this prick takes these kids away from their lesson to eat dry cereal. Okay. After they get done sliding around on rainbows and shit and return to the dojo, the sensei wasn’t nearly as pissed as I would be. I would’ve totally fucked up that bastard Captain Crunch. No pedophile fatass sailor could stand a chance against a really pissed off dojo master. But what does he do?
Oh yeah.
NOTHING!
Because of that bastard, the dojo master got out of teaching for god knows how long, but he was still getting paid! Thanks a lot, Captain Crunch, for letting fucking up the system, letting guys get paid for doing nothing. What kind of a message does that put out to the kids? “Look kids, you can be lazy and still get money for free!”
You’re a disgrace, Captain Crunch, an utter disgrace. FUCK YOU! I hate you and your petty ways.
No, really FUCK YOU CAPTAIN CRUNCH!!
Eat shit.
Their sensei TOLD THEM that they can’t have a break unless they broke the wooden block in front of them. That’s something any half-wit ninja can do, but what do they do?
WAHHH!! I want my cold cereal NOW even though this training could save my life someday!!
And then who comes to RUIN EVERYTHING?!
What the fuck, Captain Crunch? Can’t you see that these kids’ parents are paying GOOD MONEY for ninja lessons? But what do you do? You just don’t give a shit, do you? DO YOU?! You just decide that $50 an hour to learn how to be a ninja is ‘not a big deal’ and you don’t hesitate to say ‘to hell with that’ and split a $3 bowl of cereal for with these kids instead of them actually getting what they came for. NINJA SKILLZ!!
So this prick takes these kids away from their lesson to eat dry cereal. Okay. After they get done sliding around on rainbows and shit and return to the dojo, the sensei wasn’t nearly as pissed as I would be. I would’ve totally fucked up that bastard Captain Crunch. No pedophile fatass sailor could stand a chance against a really pissed off dojo master. But what does he do?
Oh yeah.
NOTHING!
Because of that bastard, the dojo master got out of teaching for god knows how long, but he was still getting paid! Thanks a lot, Captain Crunch, for letting fucking up the system, letting guys get paid for doing nothing. What kind of a message does that put out to the kids? “Look kids, you can be lazy and still get money for free!”
You’re a disgrace, Captain Crunch, an utter disgrace. FUCK YOU! I hate you and your petty ways.
No, really FUCK YOU CAPTAIN CRUNCH!!
Eat shit.
Guidelines for women
All you bitches that have been emailing me for the past few months with naked pictures of yourselves should listen up HARD. I know you want me, but I have several requirements before I even consider adding you to my list of wives. Here they are.
1) Height
First, convert your height to inches. Then, divide it by 2. If the result isn’t a whole number, cut off enough of your throat so that it is. I won’t marry anyone who has an odd height. That’s gay. And not like homosexual gay. That’d be even gayer. I mean like “Wow, what a fag” gay.
*NOTE*-If you are between 3’ 1” and 3’ 9”, you are exempt from this criteria. I <3 midgets =D
2)Compatibility
You must be cyborg compatible. I am a cyborg, so all of your ovaries must be updated enough to be able to accept the most top notch cyborg parts.
3)PotatoesYou will be very grateful when I give you a sack of potatoes on any occasion. Potatoes are amazing. And roses blow. Once I gave one of my wives a rose, and she pricked her finger and died because she had thrombocytopenia, with a weakness ESPECIALLY to green and red objects. Potatoes will never betray you like that, unless you put it in the oven and forget to take your head out before you turn the oven on. BUT STILL the potato is like “NO!! GTFO of the oven!! You die!” A potato is like that best friend that tells you to save yourself and leave him to die because he knows that you don’t really give a shit about him anyways. So be grateful when I give you potatoes. If you look the least bit confused when we’re shopping for T-squares and I just pull a sack of potatoes out of nowhere to give you, I will smite thee with my Rocket Leg Attack for not showing your appreciation for my thoughtfulness. And what’s so confusing about potatoes?! They’re fucking potatoes!
4)Carry Dimes
There’s nothing that annoys me more than idiots who carry change of anything but dimes. First off, dimes are the best type of coin in the world. I mean, it’s even smaller than a penny but TEN TIMES as valuable! And nickels are retarded. Who wants a coin that’s gigantic but is only worth five cents?! Dimes rape the shit out of nickels in terms of centage to size ratio. So if I catch you not carrying dimes anywhere you go, and even worse, carrying GODDAMN NICKELS, I will go over to the printer aisle and pick up a laser printer and proceed to DESTROY YOUR HEAD!!
5)Wear a leash
…what? I just like it when I can assure myself that you can’t run away and yell for help. The leashes I use come with one of those head explodey collars like in Battle Royale. Man that movie was sweet.
6)Ninja Skills
Sometimes I just feel like fighting people, so you must be an excellent ninja. All of my wives are ninjas, but I keep accidentally killing them when we’re “sparing”. So, this is why I need some replacements.
And as my final requirement…
7)Stamina +10
I’m a big fan of orgies including all of my alive wives, and even some of the not so alive ones, so you have to have to have to physical stamina to keep from passing out. Ahh…hot midget cyborg ninja orgy sex. Can’t wait!
Unless you pass all of the requirements, don’t ever send me naked pictures of you again.
EDIT: On second thought, disregard that last sentence
1) Height
First, convert your height to inches. Then, divide it by 2. If the result isn’t a whole number, cut off enough of your throat so that it is. I won’t marry anyone who has an odd height. That’s gay. And not like homosexual gay. That’d be even gayer. I mean like “Wow, what a fag” gay.
*NOTE*-If you are between 3’ 1” and 3’ 9”, you are exempt from this criteria. I <3 midgets =D
2)Compatibility
You must be cyborg compatible. I am a cyborg, so all of your ovaries must be updated enough to be able to accept the most top notch cyborg parts.
3)PotatoesYou will be very grateful when I give you a sack of potatoes on any occasion. Potatoes are amazing. And roses blow. Once I gave one of my wives a rose, and she pricked her finger and died because she had thrombocytopenia, with a weakness ESPECIALLY to green and red objects. Potatoes will never betray you like that, unless you put it in the oven and forget to take your head out before you turn the oven on. BUT STILL the potato is like “NO!! GTFO of the oven!! You die!” A potato is like that best friend that tells you to save yourself and leave him to die because he knows that you don’t really give a shit about him anyways. So be grateful when I give you potatoes. If you look the least bit confused when we’re shopping for T-squares and I just pull a sack of potatoes out of nowhere to give you, I will smite thee with my Rocket Leg Attack for not showing your appreciation for my thoughtfulness. And what’s so confusing about potatoes?! They’re fucking potatoes!
4)Carry Dimes
There’s nothing that annoys me more than idiots who carry change of anything but dimes. First off, dimes are the best type of coin in the world. I mean, it’s even smaller than a penny but TEN TIMES as valuable! And nickels are retarded. Who wants a coin that’s gigantic but is only worth five cents?! Dimes rape the shit out of nickels in terms of centage to size ratio. So if I catch you not carrying dimes anywhere you go, and even worse, carrying GODDAMN NICKELS, I will go over to the printer aisle and pick up a laser printer and proceed to DESTROY YOUR HEAD!!
5)Wear a leash
…what? I just like it when I can assure myself that you can’t run away and yell for help. The leashes I use come with one of those head explodey collars like in Battle Royale. Man that movie was sweet.
6)Ninja Skills
Sometimes I just feel like fighting people, so you must be an excellent ninja. All of my wives are ninjas, but I keep accidentally killing them when we’re “sparing”. So, this is why I need some replacements.
And as my final requirement…
7)Stamina +10
I’m a big fan of orgies including all of my alive wives, and even some of the not so alive ones, so you have to have to have to physical stamina to keep from passing out. Ahh…hot midget cyborg ninja orgy sex. Can’t wait!
Unless you pass all of the requirements, don’t ever send me naked pictures of you again.
EDIT: On second thought, disregard that last sentence
Food Haiku
People that listen to indie like hummus
People that listen to metal like hot sauce
People that listen to industrial like heroin
People that listen to metal like hot sauce
People that listen to industrial like heroin
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